Chapter Text
TW: Panic attack
“In this scenario, if the Duvos soldiers manage to open the valves, all the water in Sandrock will be contaminated and undrinkable. We have to destroy their camp, but the only access is from the canyon...” Avery pointed to a spot on the map and moved between the lines curving into different places. “It's not the best place for open combat, besides, we don't necessarily want to involve the entire Alliance Forces, and...”
“You knew.” Saoirse interrupted him sharply. “You knew what they were doing there. And you didn't lift a finger.”
“We suspected,” Avery corrected her coldly, but didn't dare look her in the eye.
“You knew,” she repeated with emphasis.
“We're not going to argue about nomenclature,” he added. Avery's tone became even colder and harsher.
“Yes, we will, because I know perfectly well what you're getting at,” she growled, pointing her finger at a canyon on the map. “You are very skillful at avoiding the subject.”
Pressing his lips tightly together, Avery finally raised his gaze. “You're right, I'm forced to ask you to do this.”
“You? Or Alliance Forces?”
They measured each other's gazes for a while. Neither Trudy, nor Logan, Qi, Haru, not even Grace, who also came to Sandrock, no one dared to interrupt their discussion.
“Let's talk in private.”
“No, we are not doing it your way, Avery,” she almost hissed, feeling a tightness in her chest at the thought of what it was like last time. “Did you know?”
A tired sigh answered her. “Yes, we knew. The superiors didn't give permission to act, and now it's too late.”
“You're a f*cking commander, Avery.” She simply couldn’t believe it. History was repeating itself before her eyes. Why has no-one learnt their lessons there?!
He measured her with a cold stare, but Saoirse was not about to cower under him.
“So are you. That's why you should know perfectly well that we have ranks above us whose orders, whether we like it or not, we must obey.”
“You want me to fly.” It sounded almost like an accusation, but she didn't care to sound any nicer. Avery didn't answer, he didn't need to. “What if I don't?”
“Sandrock will be flooded by a wave of toxic sewage.”
“Why not send soldiers there?”
“The canyon is full of toxic gas, just like Valley of Whispers. Using a glider to fly above them has… a higher success rate.”
“Where did you get this information?”
“Stev.”
Well, yes, Stev. She remembered him. What she didn't know was that he had become their spy in the Duvos ranks. Shae didn't know whether she should rejoice or cry. She couldn't stand how matter-of-fact and coolly Avery answered. That was the difference between them. She returned to a normal life, he stayed in the army. She opened up to the world and her emotions, allowed herself to let her guard down... and Avery? Well. He remained Avery.
“The passageways are too narrow to ask someone with an ordinary glider to do it,” he said.
“I guessed that you wouldn't spoil my evening if you didn't have to.”
Avery smiled from the corner of his mouth, and she could see bitterness in his smile. Like her, he didn't want to be in this situation. Besides her, he was the only one who knew the truth about that day. Saoirse clenched her eyelids, trying to suppress the cry that hid somewhere in the depths of her throat.
“I want this to be an official order,” she said in a trembling voice on the verge of crying.
“Saoirse...”
“I won't fly unless it's an official order.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that Avery clenched his fists. He loosened them. He clenched them again. If he gives her an official order, there will be consequences. Huge consequences. For one thing, Avery would answer with his head if something went wrong. They could even court-martial him. Second, everyone would find out how f*cked up Alliance Forces were. Third, he would have to forcibly return her to active duty. Fourth, possible compensation. She preferred not to even think about the latter, because compensation meant her death.
“You're asking for a lot,” he finally muttered.
“So do you.”
“Fair point. Everything will be arranged then.”
Avery left and Saoirse remembered that they were not alone. She suddenly felt overwhelmed by it all. She was a little in disbelief that she had managed to negotiate with Avery to sign the order. Grace looked similarly puzzled, as she looked either at Saoirse or at the door behind which Avery had disappeared.
“Well... that was unexpected...” said Trudy awkwardly, and it finally made Saoirse realize what a stalemate she was in.
She became perhaps half her size, and fear encircled her chest like a thick rope, tightening harder with each passing moment and pushing the remnants of air out of Saoirse's chest. The gazes of everyone gathered in the room suddenly burned her skin like the sun over the Eufaula desert. She had to get out of here immediately.
Saoirse moved to the door and pushed against it with her whole body, catching deeper and deeper breaths. Tears ran into her eyes, and her hands trembled, nervously pressing the handle. She heard something behind her, probably someone calling her. But she had to get as far away from that place as possible. Her legs led her ahead, and her heart was rumbling in her chest like crazy. Only on the outskirts of the city did she realize that she had been running. Until something grabbed her forearm.
“Saoirse!”
It was Logan.
She almost screamed, terrified by this sudden snapping out of her strange lethargy.
No word wanted to come out of her throat as she looked at him with disheveled eyes and tried to gather her thoughts into anything meaningful.
“Hey, hey, look at me, okay?” Logan's hands held her shoulders tightly. “Yer safe,” his voice became softer. “Aight, darlin'?”
“I- I'm okay,” she mouthed, feeling that she was only causing trouble.
“Yeah, I know. But focus on here and now. Breathe with me,” he asked and grabbed one of her hands, then pressed it to his chest. “One deep breath. In... and out.”
It took an almost superhuman effort to force her lungs to mimic Logan's, but with each breath, panic slowly left her bloodstream.
“You're shaking all over,” Logan said unexpectedly, once she realized where she was and what was happening.
“I'm okay,” she repeated this time in such a tone that she almost believed it herself.
“You can't take on this task.”
“Logan, I have to,” she almost screamed.
“We'll find another way.” Why did he try to sound like he was sure of it?
They both knew it was simply not possible.
“There is no other way,” she replied exasperatedly.
She said this before she had time to bite her tongue. As she might have expected, Logan immediately seized on this information and had no intention of letting go.
“I'm the last person to boss you around, but Shae, yer not going.”
“But Sandrock...”
“We've already found solutions to impossible problems. We'll find one now, too.” He squeezed her shoulders a little tighter. “Promise me you won't go.”
She couldn’t.
“I… I promise,” she said anyway, knowing very well she’ll break that one promise.
Logan didn’t feel one bit reassured by Saoirse's words. Knowing her, sooner or later she would try to go on this suicide mission, and he couldn't let that happen. On the other hand, he couldn't keep an eye on her all the time, and that thought was eating him up from the inside. One of the few good things was that in order to avoid prying eyes, they moved to Saoirse's house. They didn't want to inform the people of Sandrock about the potential danger - Trudy admittedly didn't support it, but she was quickly outvoted, and they didn't need the extra attention and further nerves now.
Besides, people were celebrating.
When it was quite late, they split into two teams. Qi, Shae and Avery sat in one room, while Grace, Logan and Haru sat in the other. This amplified the anxiety in Logan to the point that, sitting with his arms crossed over his chest, he nervously twitched his leg. But he didn't want to come off as desperate, especially since it was Director Qi who asked for a separate room where he could do his calculations, because, as he put it, “Haru's tinkering made him nervous.” Considering how many explosives Haru managed to create during their bandit life, this was the least stressful part of the evening for Logan.
“If you're thinking of dissuading her from this idea, better give yourself a break,” Grace said indifferently, watching him carefully. “She'll fly anyway.”
“That's a suicide mission!” he growled, pointing to the map Haru had on the table and standing up during the process. “How would she supposedly return!”
Grace's lips tightened even more, and she crossed her arms over her chest.
Logan, annoyed that she didn't answer, continued. “She has a life, a future, and friends in Sandrock...!”
“That's why she decided to fly,” Haru cut in and pulled down the magnifying goggles, putting down the tools he had just used on the table. “To protect what and who she loves.”
Hearing the last words, Logan simply sat back on a sofa and put his hat down on the tabletop. He felt like walking out into the desert and screaming into nothingness.
“Isn't there anyone else?” asked Logan, though without hope.
Grace sighed heavily. “There used to be someone like that, and it was because of him that Saoirse demanded the order.”
Both Haru and him darted their gazes toward Grace.
“I guess she didn't tell you.” Grace rolled her eyes and lowered her gaze. “It's a tragic story. I don't know it firsthand myself, because neither Saoirse nor Avery ever wanted to talk about it.” She also sat down and began fiddling with one of the sheets of paper on the table. “I know as much as I was able to deduce from the files, which were also written...” she croaked, “they were written like sh*t`. Anyway, there was once a soldier who was also from Highwind and flew a glider. Avery, Saoirse and Wing, because that's what they called this guy, were quickly climbing the ranks in the army, but something went wrong and Avery, through not-so-official channels, forced Wing to fly.”
She paused for a moment, but Logan didn't want to rush her, seeing that she was collecting her thoughts.
“To say that the mission failed is like saying nothing. Avery gave the wrong coordinates or the width of the tunnel, or maybe they miscalculated the wind speed, it's hard to say.” She shrugged her shoulders. “The reports are very ambiguous. As I said, they were written poorly. In the end, Wing crashed into the rocks and died on the spot. Saoirse threw off her uniform after the incident and left the army. She and Wing were a couple and had a wedding date set. She never really recovered from it.”
The blood drained from Logan's face. Saoirse had a fiancé? And he died? And now she was going to fly on a similar suicide mission? He wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words. He looked at Haru, but the latter only stared at the explosive he had assembled earlier and said nothing.
“This time Avery has gotten himself into a trap. If everything is properly documented, and it will be, because I'll make sure of it, and Saoirse doesn't come back from this trip in one piece, then Avery will be court-martialed. Now, that's the story behind it. I'm only telling you this because I know you're close to her.”
She watched as Qi plucked another sheet of paper from his notebook and began frantically jotting down more numbers.
“According to my calculations, there is no glider that is narrow enough to fit between the edges of the canyon, but at the same time strong enough to carry you,” he announced matter-of-factly.
“I can fly sideways,” suggested Saoirse in an irritated voice. “Not long, but it’s something.”
“In the longest constrictions you would have to fly sideways for about five seconds. You can manage for no more than three.” Qi's tone, as always, sounded like he was telling how to calculate some boring equation. “It all comes from calculations,” he said.
“There must be a way,” muttered Avery and flipped through several folders. “Go higher,” he said.
“I can climb if needed,” noted Saoirse. “But yes, a jump from the height would add momentum.”
“You could also reduce the weight,” prompted Qi.
“I'd have to fly unarmed...”
“In the best weather window.” Avery continued the discussion.
Saoirse grabbed another piece of paper and started counting more equations on it, but each time the result didn't satisfy her. She either lacked wingspan, lifting power, speed or the weight was too big. Most problematic were the narrow aisles she would have to fit into and... well, not crash. This thought crossed her mind almost with pain.
She counted various options with Qi until both he and Avery gave up. She was left alone. She needed to take a walk and refresh her brain. It would be best if she didn't meet Logan on the way. To her surprise, she met Haru. The wind ruffled her hair as she stood just outside the door. Haru leaned against the fence of the backyard and absorbed the view.
“I need as light explosives as possible that’d get the job done. One explosive. Are you able to create one?”
Haru didn't move for several painfully long moments. For a moment Saoirse thought he might not have heard her because of how hard the wind was blowing here.
“I am. As a matter of fact, I did it already.” He turned toward her and measured her with an investigative gaze. “You sure you want to do it?”
No. She wasn't sure. In fact, she was sure she didn't want to do it. But she had to. For Sandrock. For all the people who lived there that she cared about. For Logan.
She nodded her head. They stared at each other wordlessly for a while longer. Finally, Haru turned back to his previous position. They finished their conversation.
She turned toward the door. She had to redo her entire gliding suit. Cut everything she could out of it. Count again how much it would weigh with the load. Maybe she should discard her helmet? She won't need it anyway.
“Saoirse.”
“Hm?” She looked over her shoulder at Haru.
“According to the weather forecast, the strongest wind currents will be first thing in the morning. Try to get back, okay? For him.”
Qi fell asleep, muttering more numbers in his sleep, while Avery looked through some documents. As for the other room, Haru went to his place, mentioning that he should pick up Andy from Vivi, while Grace came to them and helped Avery with the documents, informing them beforehand that Logan had fallen asleep. Saoirse waved her hand at this, muttering under her breath "let him sleep," as she was focused on work. She discarded more and more pieces from the outfit, weighed them, cut them out, counted them down... until finally another calculation showed her that she should fit into the tightest aisle, as long as she flew well through it. Her heart beat harder. She recalculated it again. And again. The suit itself, the glider, some light shoes. Goggles. Goggles she had to have. One explosive charge. One chance.
She should have enough lifting power to slip through any constriction at the right height. She began cutting the material and reworking the glider, trying to force her trembling hands to work carefully. Her time was short, and she had to make it before dawn.
Finally, she stood in front of the mirror, fastening the suit up to her neck. For a test, she spread her arms and stood wider, and the fabric stitched between her legs and arms unfolded slowly.
“You better not f*ck up those numbers, should have asked Qi to check them,” her reflection said with insult.
When she finished, it was still dark.
Not wanting to disturb anyone, she just sent Avery an understanding look.
Then, she opened the door leading to her living room. Logan was still asleep on a couch and Saoirse’s heart almost broke in a thousand pieces seeing him like that. His hair was tousled, and Saoirse thought he looked like he really belonged here. She refrained from putting a few strands of hair behind his ear as she was accustomed to doing herself. Instead, she carefully covered him with a blanket as carefully as she could.
As Saoirse was leaving, she glanced over her shoulder at Logan. She tried to remember this view as clearly as possible, so that it would stay with her for as long as possible. And then she closed the door behind her.
Logan woke up to a loud noise outside the window. It felt like he had been bitten by a rockyenaroll, so he wiped his face with his hands and breathed heavily.
f*ck!
He was supposed to be awake! He didn't even know when he fell asleep. What time was it? It was still early. It was just dawn. He pulled over in his chair and reached for his hat. What was that sound…?
A f*ckin’ helicopter.
He immediately rose from his chair and, with his heart beating almost painfully in his chest, rushed to the door. He opened it in a panic, then ran to the room where Shae and the rest were about to spend the night. He opened the door and quickly scanned the room for her. Only Grace was there.
Logan didn’t even need to ask, as Grace seemed to wait for him and said immediately: “She decided to fly.”
The mood in the Blue Moon was grave. Qi looked at his watch every now and then.
“According to my calculations, if all goes well, she should get there in...”
“Oh shut the f*ck up already,” growled Grace, who, as did Logan, stared out the high window in the direction Saoirse had flown.
More minutes passed, and Logan's heart kept beating like crazy. Please, come back, please, come back he repeated in his head.
They waited until the evening. They waited all the next day. As it got dark, Logan couldn't sit still. He would wander around Sandrock, and turn his head to look over his shoulder every time he heard an incongruous sound. And he didn't hide his disappointment when he saw anyone that was not her.
The next day, Avery was back but Saoirse wasn’t with him.
If not Haru, Logan probably would have torn Avery with his bare hands.
“I think we can all agree with a heavy heart that this is the time to declare Commander Saoirse as missing in action,” he said. At this point he looked significantly at Logan. “We will release two reconnaissance units to scour the area that Commander Saoirse might try to return.” He looked away, trying not to look anyone in the eye. “If she is not found by then, she will be declared fallen in battle and awarded the highest medal,” he said.
“I don't give a sh*t about your medals, Avery,” growled Logan, clenching his fists. “I want to join the search unit.”
“Out of question.”
Haru and Grace had to lead him out almost by force, otherwise he would have punched Avery's stupid face. They even threatened to use direct coercion and lock him up in the Civil Corps jail if he didn't obey. He felt as if no one but him believed she could survive. It was tearing him apart from the inside. There was nothing more they could do than to believe she would make it. And they seemed to have given up all hope. Even Haru said that sometimes it's better to assume the worst and then, perhaps, be glad you were wrong. Logan didn't want to hear this yaksh*t.
